Ancestral Generation

Ancestral Generation

Sleeping With Your Baby A Parent’s Guide to Cosleeping

I learned about cosleeping, or bedsharing, from a friend who had her son a few years before I had Oliver. It was new to me, but it made sense. Why put baby in a crib, put that crib in a room, and then go sleep somewhere else? Especially when one will have to get up and go to that crib repeatedly throughout the night! As James McKenna explains, the assumption that crib is best comes solely from cultural biases, not from scientific ones.

In most western cultures individualism, independence, and self-reliance are considered paramount virtues. It is thought that separating baby right away helps achieve these goals, partly by teaching the baby to self-soothe. However, studies show that the opposite is true. Attached babies (those who are held for long periods and sleep with their parents for example) are more independent in long run. They have a secure launching pad. Additionally, babies who sleep in cribs in separate rooms, must cry when hungry or distressed in order to wake their caregiver. Prolonged crying decreases oxygenation, increases heart rate and augments the stress hormone cortisol which causes its own havoc. Cosleeping babies, on the other hand, can wake their caregivers when they start to stir, long before the need to cry.

Firstly, the term cosleeping refers to any arrangement where baby and mom (and presumably dad) sleep in the same room; bedsharing refers to the arrangement where baby and mom sleep on the same surface. Bedsharing is what Ollie and I have been doing all along, and it’s wonderful, but more on that below. There are dangers to any sleeping arrangement, and babies have died during bedsharing. However, there is no evidence that bedsharing is MORE dangerous than crib sleeping, and it is likely less dangerous - studies actually show that sleeping in a separate room doubles the risk of SIDS. When a baby does die during bedsharing, the media portrays that death as ‘due to bedsharing’ while a crib death is ‘undetermined as to cause.’ All baby deaths are tragic, but to condemn one loving lifestyle without due cause carries its own loses.

McKenna cautions! do not sleep with your baby if you smoked during pregnancy, if you smoke now, or if the father smokes. Never sleep with your baby on a couch! If possible, remove your bed frame and end boards, and move the bed away from walls. Don’t use heavy bedding, make sure baby sleeps on his back, and try to keep other kids and pets out of the sleeping space during sleeping. All these factors (and others explained in the book) increase safety. If you can’t sleep with your baby, remember that skin to skin contact provides many of the same benefits: skin to skin contact acts a pain killer for newborns, regulates body temperature, reduces stress and stimulates growth - it even stimulates brain cells to be nurtured and connect with each other. Skin to skin contact also reduces maternal anxiety, and increases bonding – for dad too. Whether you can or want to bedshare or not, wear your baby! It’s a wonderful bonding experience. Baby wearing and cosleeping are great ways for working moms to reconnect with baby too.

Personally, I love settling down to sleep every night with my sleeping nursing baby. He nurses with his little feet resting on my thighs and he wakes me by wiggling when he’s hungry. We get in position and nurse and Ollie doesn’t even wake up during that process. I know we both sleep better because of it.

If you are considering cosleeping or bedsharing or know someone who might be interested, don’t let your family or your pediatrician scare you away from this loving experience. If you have doubts or concerns, McKenna book is a helpful guide.

Unconditional Parenting

In his book, Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn explains that although most parents would say they love their children unconditionally, many children do not perceive their parents love as unconditional. They question our love when we use manipulative tactics, even seemingly innocuous ones, and even when we use them hoping to improve their futures. Kohn shows us research suggesting that such perceptions lead them to question their own worth as adults and to leave parent-child relationships damaged over the long-term. Kohn’s is paradigm shift away from viewing our children as beings we can and should control.

Many parents use coercion because they expect their children will learn from it, because they might be frustrated at that moment and because they fear that anything else is the dreaded ‘permissiveness’. Time-outs are considered a gentle form of discipline, but, as Kohn points out, are actually forms of love-withdrawal, and the time-out ignores the root of the behavior. If we crush ‘bad’ behavior and ignore the cause (e.g. fear of loss of parental love due to competition with a new baby or simply hunger that the child cannot yet express or fully recognize) we lose an opportunity to help and love the child, and we create resentment and fear.

Are children inherently bad? Consider this story (I don’t remember where I read it!): a little toddler throws orange peels and bits all over the living room. When the mom sees the mess, she wants to yell at the little girl in frustration. Instead she simply says, ‘Why did you do that?’ and the girl responds ‘Because I want oranges to grow in the living room.’ and the mom says, ‘Oh! why don’t we grow them in the backyard instead?’ to which the little girl happily gathers them up with mom and they throw them in the yard. I think most of us remember instances where our intentions were honest, but we were not given the benefit of the doubt. Those memories sting even years later. And as Kohn points out, when we, as parents, constantly assume the child is trouble, he eventually says ‘ok, you think I’m trouble? watch this.’ Control and love withdrawal simply do not foster the ends we desire.

Parenting options are not restricted to either control or permissiveness. Kohn explains ‘radical’ parenting ideas like being present, respecting, including and modeling. He suggests focusing on our long-term goals for our children and remembering those when dealing with the small stuff. By forcing my child to do what I say, am I fostering her sense of autonomy and independence? Am I teaching her to think for herself?

Unconditional Parenting asks us to rethink how we see children and to question our cultural assumptions about their development. A long list of notes and references, cited throughout the text demonstrate that Kohn’s ideas are not fanciful, but are fully backed by numerous studies. ‘Working with’ children instead of ‘doing to’ them fosters their willingness to work with us as well. Our family day-to-day lives and our long-term experiences would be more peaceful and joyful if we take this book seriously. More than anything else, a child needs its parents love.